


The Great Lube Fight (Honey, I Ordered the Wrong Lube)

by Metalbvcky



Series: Steve & Bucky and the Avengers Tower of Madness [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers Family, Avengers Tower, Ceiling Vent Clint Barton, Crack, Domestic Avengers, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Humor, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Lube, Lube as literal water for a water gun fight, M/M, POV Steve Rogers, Water Gun Fights, because this is all inspired by an old iconic cowchop video
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:21:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26130328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Metalbvcky/pseuds/Metalbvcky
Summary: Steve stepped past the doorway. The sight hit him right in the face. Two large blue barrels, about half his height before the serum. “What is that?”Tony wiped his hands off his shirt after moving the barrels closer to the door. "Your lube delivery apparently.""Bucky!"
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Peter Parker, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Series: Steve & Bucky and the Avengers Tower of Madness [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1820515
Comments: 13
Kudos: 104





	The Great Lube Fight (Honey, I Ordered the Wrong Lube)

**Author's Note:**

> This ridiculous fic is inspired by Cowchops's legendary 55 gallons of lube video. (watch?v=KBlIqUv9k4s) If you haven't seen it or heard of their channel (also rip cowchop, it's over) go see it. It's insane. Crazier than this fic I'll tell you that.

Someone knocking on his and Bucky's door at their shared apartment complex of the tower seemed suspicious. A little past seven in the morning too to be exact. There had to be only two possibilities. 

One, a threat broke with a mission to try and take Bucky away from him. Which is next to impossible as the Avengers tower was the safest place in New York. And just who the hell knocks on someone’s door if they wanted to threaten harm? So of course that wasn't it. 

Or two, a fellow Avenger wanted something. Which still seemed quite strange. Most of the time Natasha, Clint, or Tony liked to waltz right in without asking. 

Steve pushed his chair away from the table. “I’ll get it, Buck. You keep eating.” 

Bucky grumbled into a bite, fork dangling in the air. Back in the forties, Bucky wasn’t a morning person, and neither was he in the twenty-first century. “Who the hell can be awake this early, let alone be at our god damn door.” 

“I’m sure it's nothing,” he echoed from the hall. 

Steve turned the doorknob and opened the door. “I dunno what you guys want but-” The Ironman suit, left standing still to the side. “Tony?” 

“Hey,” Tony grunted with force. The hell was he doing? “Any reason why the delivery guy had me sign these?” 

Steve stepped past the doorway. The sight hit him right in the face. Two large blue barrels, about half his height before the serum. “What is that?” 

Tony wiped his hands off his shirt after moving the barrels closer to the door. “Your lube delivery apparently.” 

Embarrassment flooded Steve's face fast as a deer in front of headlights. But then confusion because what the hell? You could order a full fucking barrel of lube? Lubricants came in so many different varieties these days. Just a lone bottle of name branded stuff was plenty enough to satisfy Steve. Cause, just how many varieties do you need?

“I didn’t order that!” 

Tony shrugged. “Says you did right here.” He held a tablet up, showing a document with his name on it. 

Sure, he and Bucky started getting a little adventurous when it came to bedroom time but there was no way in hell Steve would order lube off the internet. To him, the local pharmacy did the job.

 _Although,_ one night from three weeks ago, Bucky discovered a reputable website when they were cuddled up in bed together. Soon after, he rangled in Steve to browse for new toys to try out. 

"A two hundred dollar wand styled vibrator? It better be made out of gold, 'cause really Buck?" He had scoffed at the photo of the said object. Eight speed settings, powerful rumbling motor, and _\- what?_

"Look, it has attachments too," Bucky pointed out, adding the damn thing to his cart. "Don't know it 'till you try it, Stevie." Course Steve let him and fucking agreed to it because it was _Bucky_ and maybe it intrigued him a little. Just a tiny bit. A microscopic smidge of interest, if you will. 

So he let Bucky use it on him. Then begged to use it every chance they got because that vibrator should be illegal for how good it felt. Plus, Bucky knew every little spot to make him melt under the sheets. That factor made the whole thing better and _fuck_ he can't be thinking that right now. 

Entirely besides the point right now. 

“Bucky!"

“What?” Bucky yelled back from the kitchen. 

“Come here for a minute!” 

Tony rolled his eyes at the old married couple banter and scrubbed a hand over his face. Really, Tony had Pepper. He too probably knew the same but Tony being Tony as usual. 

Bucky trudged over with a scroll on his face, standing in the small entryway hall. “What is it?”

Tony tried to hold back a snort but it didn’t work. “Your uh, lube order came in the mail this morning.”

“Seriously, Stark?” Bucky crossed his arms and brushed past Steve. “Ever heard of privacy?” 

Bucky’s mouth fell wide open. “What the actual fuck is that?” 

“As I said, your lube delivery.” 

Bucky shook his head. “No, I didn’t order that much.” He nudged a barrel with his metal hand. “Shit, how much is in there?” 

Tony looked down on the tablet. “Fifty five gallons each,” he said with a straight face. “There’s three more downstairs.”

“Three? There’s already two up here!” Steve yelled, coming to look over Tony's shoulder to get a good look at the tablet. “Two thousand dollars each? Bucky, what exactly were you trying to buy? And how did you make the mistake of buying ten grand worth of lube?” 

“Some kind of fancy water-based brand that blogs raved about. Guess my hand slipped and I ordered the wrong one without checking my cart.”

“You think?” Steve scoffed, shaking his head. “What do we even do with five barrels of this stuff?” Tony opened his mouth. “Don’t even say it.” 

“Mr. Stark!” 

“Oh great, just in time,” Tony sighed, pressing two fingers to the bridge of his nose. 

“Mr. Stark,” Peter repeated, slowing his run. “You weren’t at the lab when I got here.” It was Saturday, Peter always hung out on the weekends. “We had a project- uh, what’s with the big barrels?” 

"Nothing a sixteen year old needs to know." Tony pressed both hands over Peter's ears, whose eyes widened in surprise. He lowered his voice to a whisper yell. “What do we do? The kid’s mind runs a mile a minute.” 

Bucky grinned between each of them. Always with the ideas. 

“No, Buck.” Steve crossed his arms, emphasizing to place a firm foot on the ground. He had an idea of what Bucky wanted. He knew Bucky too well. “Whatever it is, we are not doing it.” 

“Aw, come on Stevie.” He playfully slapped Steve’s upper arm. “Let loose a little, let’s have some good hearted fun for once.” 

“I’m intrigued," Tony spoke up. "What’s your plan, Barnes?” 

“Water gun fight,” Bucky said, devilishly so. “Only with a twist, cause you know. Lubricant.” 

Peter jumped out of Tony’s hold. Bucky did raise his voice for him to hear. “Yes! That sounds amazing. Come on, please Mr. Roge- I mean, Mr. uh, Steve.” 

Peter, Tony, and Bucky all set pleading eyes on Steve. They huddled in a line together. Three against one. 

Steve heaved a sigh. “What has my life come to,” he sighed, looking up at the ceiling. Clearly outnumbered here. “Fine, but not anywhere in the apartment. Or in the tower for that matter. Outside.” 

An air vent cover fell and clattered to the ground, starling all of them. Clint poked his head out. “Did someone say a fight with cheap plastic fake guns?” Peter and Bucky nodded excitedly. “Bitch, I’m sold.” 

“Go back to your cave, vent boy,” Tony yelled toward the ceiling. “We gotta get the materials anyway, so it’ll be a few hours.” 

Clint whined and did so. But then he yelled back. “Get some of those large floaties while you’re at it!”

Bucky piqued interest at the mention of said supplies. “What are floaties?”

Peter stood right next to Bucky, excitement in his eyes. “Inflatable rafts, like made for the pool. They come in all sorts of sizes and shapes. Besides those, pool noodles are my favorite.” 

Bucky raised his eyebrows. “Interesting. And where do you buy them, besides the internet?”

“There’s a store not too far down from here.” Peter looked at Tony. “Can we go right now, Mr. Stark?”  
“Like getting an assortment of pool toys this early in the day seems normal but okay.” Tony waved a hand in the air. “So yeah, why not kid. Highlight of my morning has already passed. What more could hurt?” 

“What have I agreed to,” Steve grouched, walking back into the apartment. 

Their breakfast, waffles he made before he woke Bucky who in turn loved waffles, were cold. So much for his morning. Maybe he’ll slip in some drawing or reading before the madness begins. 

* * *

Steve was in the car, on the way to a large department store with supposedly, all pool toys and supplies. They dragged him along for this adventure. Because he can’t say no to Bucky’s pleading, puppy dog eyes. 

The store was huge. Bucky seemed enthralled by all of it. Peter jumped to and from, rambling on this and that. Tony? Well, Tony brought the money. 

But Steve? Was in part hell part heaven. Hell for one because he’d rather be doing anything but preparing for a _lube-based_ water gun fight right now. Heaven for another because _Bucky looked so happy._ Steve hadn’t seen Bucky this excited about something in forever. Not at this level of joy. Maybe not since the forties. 

Perfect, Steve thought. 

“Stevie, look at this thing.” Bucky held up a box from a shelf. They were in the middle of a large isle of floats. “This thing is huge. It’s so ridiculous, I love it.” He looked all over the box, turning around to look at the back. A flat pizza pool float. Big enough to fit eight people. Bucky threw it in the cart. 

Between Bucky and Peter, they threw more floats into the cart. A swan, a dog, a float in the shape of a boat. And a coffin. _Really?_

Peter led him and Bucky toward another aisle. “See, pool noodles! They’re awesome.” He took one out of a large tall box and handed one to Bucky. 

“Holy shit.” Bucky laughed, feeling the texture. “Hm, I wonder...”

_Bonk._

“Hey!” Steve whipped around and massaged absently at the back of his head. Not that it hurt. 

_Bonk._

Oh, two could play at this game. 

Steve pulled out a larger noodle, the one Bucky had was thin. Clearly, Steve had the upper hand here. Mindful of Peter who was nearby, he strode up and bonked Bucky on the shoulder twice then the top of his head. 

“You’re on, Rogers.” 

_Head bonk. Bonk, bonk, bonk, more and more bonks._

Apparently, Bucky had a far better advantage than Steve. Thin noodles beat thick noodles. The thickness slowed his swings yet Bucky’s thin noodle relentlessly swooshed in the air. 

They got carried away during the moment for a while. Just the two of them, acting like the childhood versions of themselves on the playground. Only here they were in the middle of a large aisle, batting each other on the head, shoulders, and anywhere they could reach. 

“Oh look, I found the children.” Tony walked over with the cart full of supplies. “And I don’t mean Peter for once.” 

The static of the noodles made Bucky’s hair frizzle and stand up in all sorts of directions. Even Steve’s short hair got rumbled between the fight. They breathed heavy, both worn out. 

“We’re getting five of these each,” Steve said, throwing said noodles into the cart. It may as well be a clown car because it seemed impossible to stuff that many things in one small area. 

“And you didn’t want to do this.” Bucky playfully punched him on the arm for the second time that morning. “Look at you now.”

By the time they checked out, they had enough stuff for at least three families. The cashier rang them up like it was normal for Captain America, The Winter Soldier, Ironman, and Spider Man to be buying an arrangement of pool toys. Another average sunny day for the Avengers. 

They bought inflatable rafts, pool noodles of two different sizes, goggles, long water guns, short water guns. Even a couple of small blow up pools. Steve thought those were useless since one of the tower floors already had a real in ground pool. 

Back at the tower on the floor with the outdoor pool, they dropped off everything they purchased. Peter and Bucky sat on the ground, rifling through all the packages like it was Christmas morning. Steve smiled from inside, looking through the glass sliding door. Peter was a great influence on Bucky and he too was a good role model for the kid. 

No playtime for Steve though. A more pressing manner needed attending to. Bring down the five damn lube barrels. Between his super-soldier serum and Tony’s Ironman suit, surely they could get them down in no time. 

Not so easy apparently. Although Steve did pull a helicopter down to save Bucky, that was different. These enormous barrels were nearly five hundred pounds as the label said. Most of all, they had to get all the barrels down the fucking stairs. Because of course, Tony only had stairs leading to the pool floor. 

So they got Thor for help, who asked a bazillion questions. 

“What do you tiny humans do with such a thing?” Thor asked, lifting a barrel as if it was nothing. To him, they were just a larger scale of canned sodas. “Though, no matter. I feel intrigued by your certain styled resources for sexual activity. Very interesting I suppose.” 

“Uh, Thor, this isn’t exactly for that.” Leave it to Steve to get embarrassed like a third graded in front of the God of Thunder. “We’re having a, um, water gun fight with it. Bucky's idea, Peter and Tony went along with it. It'll be like a party.” 

Thor roared with laughter. He dropped a barrel he and Steve carried and Steve’s eyes bulged out. It nearly toppled over his damn foot. “A wonderful day for a fine, mighty battle!

It was going to be a _long_ afternoon.

When they got all five barrels outside, Bucky and Peter blew up all the inflatables. They were scattered across the pool and aside the grass sat the miniature pools. The goggles, water guns and noodles were in a pile on a nearby table. 

Now came getting the lube _out_ the barrels. So fucking stupid, it was downright ridiculous to Steve. Thankfully, the barrels came with a pump system to crank the liquid out, and soon they started filling small buckets with it. 

Tony left to persuade more Avengers for the current shenanigans. Wouldn’t be hard. Clint came down and helped with crackling more liquid out into buckets.

Bucky reached and got the hose to fill the inflatable pools, but he stopped mid-way. He abandoned the damn thing. “I got a better idea.” 

Steve's mouth parted, a surprised shriek passed his lips. Bucky threw a bucket full of lube into an empty pool. 

“Now that’s creative!” Clint shouted across the yard. “Hey, Nat! Come swim with me in half an hour!” Natasha yelled back something. Maybe she doesn’t want to play these reindeer games. Wouldn’t blame her. 

The crank stopped working when they got down to the last of it. With the help of Bucky, since Thor wandered off, they lifted the barrel up and poured the rest into a pool. 

Now they had two pools filled alongside two barrels emptied. Three to go. All but one were emptied into the largest blow up pool. The last was for the water guns. 

One hour and three pools of lube later, the water gun fight was ready to be had. 

Everyone set out which team they wanted to be on. One team with Bucky, Peter, and Tony and the other with Natasha, Clint, and Steve. Everyone had their goggles on and loaded guns at the ready. 

“On the count of three,” Tony announced. “One...two...three!” 

Getting an ear full of lube wasn’t pleasant. It was thick and just- _lube_. He dodged a spray coming from Bucky and hid behind a giant cooler near the backdoor. 

“I’m down!” Clint yelled with a thump. “The kid got me. Man, this shit is slippery.” 

“Good job, Peter,” Tony said between the sounds of liquid splashing onto the ground. “Two more to go.”

From Steve’s hiding spot he saw Bucky blocking the incoming attacks with his metal arm and he pointed his gun at Natasha, who dodged every shot. “Can’t get me, huh Barnes?” 

Peter cackled the entire time as he ran to and from but _wait-_ he climbed onto the side of the wall.

“That’s cheating!” Steve stood up with a yell, getting a face full of lube from Peter. Good aim, he must admit. 

“Bucky has a metal arm, I don’t see how that’s considered cheating.”

The kid had a point. 

“Damn it!” Natasha fell into the pool with a splash. 

“Ha! Take that, ‘Tasha. Hm, only one left, I wonder who that could be.” 

Bucky and Peter eliminated two of his teammates like it was nothing. They didn’t even need Tony, the way they did things. 

Oh, it was on for real now. No more chickening around. 

_Target acquired._

Steve ran across the yard and sprayed Tony then Peter right in the chest. 

_Bullseye._

“You huddle in the corner for the entire game and just end us within a snap,” Tony groaned. “Christ this is so sticky- Barnes, go get em.” 

Bucky sprang into action with a grunt, spraying to and from but Steve dodged them all. “Not so easy with me, is it Buck?”

Bucky dropped his gun. “I can take you on any day, Stevie.” 

Before Steve could process it, his gun slipped out of his hands and Bucky charged straight forward into him. They fell back into one of the filled pools, milky lubricant sloshing out to coat the ground. 

Neither of them actually hit each other, just playful slaps as they rolled around the flimsy pool. Bucky pressed a foot against Steve’s chest, sending him back with a splash. 

“Hm.” Bucky splayed over Steve and wrapped both slimy arms around him. “Think I win.”

“Don’t you mean your team wins?”

“Ah right, yeah. _My_ team wins.” 

A click of a picture being taken. 

“Whoever took that better delete it before I come over there and do it myself,” Steve said. 

Tony laughed then whispered something in Peter's ear. "Yeah, it's all good! You won't find a thing on here." 

"Ugh, my hair is never gonna be the same," Bucky complained, shaking his hair like a dog. Gross, it got all over Steve's face. Not that his face wasn't already covered in thick globs of lube. 

The ground pool was fucking disgusting all thanks to the lube clouding up the water. Though not Steve's problem to clean it up. Bucky, Tony, and Peter could deal with it. He'd lay on a lounge chair, drawing right in front of them instead of helping. 

Steve enjoyed himself in the end. But he _really_ enjoyed himself with Bucky that night. 

**Author's Note:**

> This fic idea has been plaguing my mind ever since I started writing my current multi-chapter fic like over a month ago or two. So I sat down and wrote it in one go :3 
> 
> My Tumblr's: Metalbvcky (Also my main, Princesscas)


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